Okay, okay so we’ve seen what Hungary has done in the world of finance, glamour and science, but let’s face it, those chumps you already knew about. Now let’s talk about the list that matters most: the X Files truth, explaining why György Keleti, former defense minister is watching the sky diligently. He knows what you should know, that Hungary is scripted to be a giant staging area for a mass abduction of the Third Encounter variety! Sure, laugh if you want, but here’s the evidence for believing that Hungary is up for great things in the Millennium Meltdown, Y2K is the least of it. This guide gives you a heads up on how to behave, keep your homo sapien wits about you to avoid ending up like the others who aren’t so lucky to be in Magyar territory when sajt hits the fan.

Dogs

Already first-class citizens in Hungary, dogs will play a very important part in the New Order. Why, it isn’t exactly clear, but certainly three of Hungary’s dog breeds have a special responsibility. The Puli, with its intelligence second to none, is one of the great breeds as is the Vizsla, presently the ‘in’ dog of the haute couture set; fashion designer Helmut Lang owns one, need we say more? The Commodore, once slated for eradication by the Nazis, is the ideal muscle dog for the new millennium. Taken together, the three will form something of a tripartite; a Planet of the Apes kind of hierarchy that will police humans, maybe even validate global residency permits. So don’t yell at the neighbor’s Vizsla to stop pooping on your doorstep, you never know where you’ll meet next.

Cartoons

If alien life has been collecting bandwidth transmissions of TV and radio, Hungary will come out looking good. Like us, they prefer cartoons as bitter social commentary. What two cartoons are the megacartoons of our time? The Simpsons and Rugrats of course, both partially or wholly created by a Hungarian, Gábor Csupa who conceived of The Simpsons for Matt Groenig and James Brookes. Carry a picture of Bart and a Csupa lollypop at all times ; they’ll get it.

Inventions

Very important to carry a tool kit of impressive artifacts to prove that you, in fact, are intelligent life. Remember, you’re not going to look very bankable at the ultimate power meeting with an iMac or Palm Pilot that doesn’t work because the power grid is down. Carry the essentials, boy scout! Matches, a pen, carburator, hologram and the original chess computer, all Hungarian inventions and ones that will prove your worth to be in “the right crowd” when slave labor slips are being handed out. Why? Fire in itself is impressive, and the architects of the New Order will need to light up. The match (invented by János Irinyi) will come in handy. The ballpoint pen (invented by Biró in the 20s) is preferably to a fountain pen in a weightless environment and the carburator (invented by Donát Bánki and János Csonka) will be a collector’s item for those who missed the car age as the ultimate in human decadence.

Alien life forms love games and will be thrilled when you show them the primitive hologram invented by Gábor Dénes. Throw in a Rubik’s cube to keep their three fingers in knots. Use the Chess Computer (invented by Farkas Kempelen in the 1700s, all the rage of Europe) to prove that IBM’s Big Blue was a patent rip-off (alien life takes a long view approach to business). Bobbie Fisher and the Polgár sisters will be there as witnesses. Hungarians will win the sympathy vote hands down. Say goodbye Silicon Valley.

Language

We all know what the American atomic scientists said about Szilárd, Teller, Neumann and Wigner after hearing them conference in Hungarian about a particular part of the atomic reaction sequence; that they must be aliens? Well it’s true. What the Hungarians said, unknown to the American and Italian scientists, was “Bár mi már korábban itt voltunk, megelôzve a paprika hírnevét. De minek?Úgyis vége lesz mindennek.” If you can decipher this you’ve got a fighting chance. If not, don’t be bumming Soylent Green off me, I’ll ignore you.

The Eclipse

Sure, it goes through other countries too, even reaching the zenith in Romania, but the harmonic convergence will be here with 50,000 new age wanderers descending on the little village of Ozora on August 11, 1999. Two weeks later Sziget, now counting itself as one of the biggest youth festivals in the world, will begin. In July the Vizi Mozi, brainchild of Laki of Tilos Radio fame (featured in England’s the Face magazine as one of the coolest parties on the planet), will hold a special screening of Voyage to the Moon and Attila Balázs, the hottest club owner in the States with his X club and Hotel ? in L.A, promises a special Hungarian theme night, right around the time of the eclipse. Coincidence or plan! Remember, Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln; you put it together.

Politics

Viktor Orbán is a cyborg (He’s 35. Right.) sent to delay all construction on Budapest public projects. Why waste the energy when the bio-dome will blanket the city anyway? Ciccolina will serve as Special Sexual Representative to the United Nations delegate (now led by Csángó Hungarians) that oversees the New Order’s ‘satisfaction’ requests. Zwack’s toupee will be shelacked and entombed, maintained much the same way as Lenin’s body. Pulitzer prizes (named after magyar József Pulitzer) will be re-patriated to Hungary once and for all. Budapest Style will win in all categories.

Music

Remember that scene in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, where they use the Kodály method to form a hand/musical sign language? That’s the way you’ll have to sing the Galactic inter-stellar anthem. Also take Led Zeppelin’s first album with you (they think Bach sucks!), but not as much for the music value as the graphic. They’ll get a kick out of knowing that a Hungarian invented the dirigable airship (David Schwartz), and will even show you pictures of the cigar shaped mother ship for comparative value.

Of course Hungarians (and those that can effectively pass themselves off as them; remember, they can read minds) won’t be the only chosen people. Indians are slated for abduction because of Krishna Murti, Native Americans for giving tobacco, cocaine and hemp to the world and Tuvoeans will make it in because Paul Erdôs, the great mathematical weirdo, liked them. But the rest, well just remember you can still write postcards by match light. Jó utat!